Welcome back internet friends, it’s time once again for the Raw Report from your 2x KFC Rumble Champion: Buuurch!
Tonight’s Raw will feature Ronda Rousey (maybe), The Universal Champion Brock Lesnar (maybe again), and the Final Ultimate Deletion. At the very least it’ll be interesting and hell, maybe we’ll get the Undertaker…
RAW starts with the General Manager, Kurt Angle. He’s not looking too happy as he walks to the ring. Bad news kids, Roman isn’t coming tonight. He says Brock hasn’t made it there either, but Vince McMahon said he’d be there! He goes on to talk about Braun winning #1 contendership of the Tag Titles. All the sudden, Roman Reigns shows up and comes to the ring. He doesn’t have on his vest so he most likely isn’t going to fight, right? Kurt protests him being here and Roman says who cares? He says Brock hasn’t been here and someone has to represent the main event of Wrestlemania. Kurt tells him he needs to leave because he’s suspended. Roman protests. Kurt tells him he needs to be patient. Roman responds by says he doesn’t care because its Dallas! (Shameless plug). He says he wont leave until he makes another memory here tonight. He wants Brock Lesnar tonight! Kurt walks away just looking annoyed. Roman has a chair and doesn’t look like he’s going to follow Uncle Kurt’s advice. Three US Marshal’s come out to escort Roman out of the ring. They have vests on, he doesn’t. He doesn’t stand a chance. They read him his rights and cuff him. They start trying to manhandle him and Roman ends up assaulting police officers…Brock Lesnar comes out looking to take advantage. Lesnar takes Roman to Suplex City then beats Reigns with a chair because why not. The crowd fell kinda flat at this point. Refs are yelling at Brock as he keeps beating the hell out of Roman. Reigns is left in a heap in the middle of the ring. Lesnar cracks him a few more times with the chair for good measure then leaves the ring. Brock takes off his shirt then decides to take Roman back to Suplex City. Lesnar gives him an F5 then does his Brock Lesnar powerup yell. He leaves and Roman is still rolling around in the ring. They bring a stretcher out to pick old Roman up off of the floor. Not a fan of the assaulting the police officers thing (real or fake) but this was a pretty decent segment. Brock shows up again and pushes the stretcher over. He stands over Roman, admiring his work and laughs, taunting Reigns. He drags the stretcher around then heads back to the back.
Backstage…Roman is wheeled to an ambulance. Braun has a bad habit of flipping things over when Roman is in these things so he needs to be careful.
Next we get a montage of the Nia Jax and Alexa Bliss saga. Seeing Nia upset is actually upsetting to my wife. She legitimately is yelling at the TV. I’m doing it silently.
Alexa Bliss comes out to the ring with Mickie James. Mickie is dressed like JLO for some reason. Whatever works I guess. Alexa talks about the incident with Nia from last week. She says she enjoyed her trash talking and gloats about it. Enter Asuka. She comes out, dancing like usual with a mask on just so we don’t know its her.
Asuka vs Alexa Bliss
Commercial starts the match. 5/5 for the commercial. We come back from that and Alexa Bliss is in control. Mickie James gets a little pot shot in and Alexa continues the offense. Good use of heel tactics to make this fight a little more interesting. Alexa hits a pretty good dropkick that made the crowd pop, otherwise they’re pretty tame, unusual for a Dallas crowd. Asuka powers up and starts some good offense on Alexa. Alexa eventually comes back and sends Asuka out of the ring, which leads to JLO to attack her again on the outside while the Ref is doing whatever it is he is doing. Asuka ends up back in the ring and locks up with Alexa. Both Alexa and Asuka are screaming. The commercial comes back. Not as good as the first one. We come back and Alexa is in the corner. She does some sort of bomb/flip maneuver and goes for the pin but Asuka kicks. She throws a tantrum. Asuka turns the momentum. Asuka gets an ankle lock on Alexa but gets the rope break and rolls out of the ring. Alexa gets scooped up by Mickie James and they leave. Count out.
Nia Jax runs out and tries to get revenge for the other day. Mickie tries to interfere but gets her head thrown into the ring. Nia does some yelling and Alexa runs through the crowd. Nia gives chase and Michael Cole starts talking about something else.
Kurt is backstage talking on the phone. Alexa interrupts him and complains about what happened. Uncle Kurt scolds her for what she said then makes a match between her and Nia at WrestleMania!
Braun walks out to the ring. He has a mic. The crowd is pumped. He talks about being #1 contender for the Tag Titles (still laughing at that). Says he carved a path of destruction and that he’s going to Wrestlemania. He said management is making him get a partner. He doesn’t need or want a partner. The Bar interrupts Braun. Bad move. They say they can take him. Cesaro without the mouth guard is the best thing. He accidentally says they sleep together. Cheap pop but still funny. They all exchange barbs then says he has a partner for Wrestlemania and that he has a match with one of those two RIGHT NOWWWW. Both go to get in the ring and Sheamus hops out, leaving Cesaro to catch some hands.
Braun Strowman vs Cesaro
Braun beats Cesaro early then WWE sends us to commercial because we cant waste valuable TV time on wrestling AMIRITE?! We come back to Cesaro riding on Braun’s back. That turns to Cesaro actually having a little offense on the Monster Among Men. It would be nice to see Braun’s partner. My money is on some sort of inanimate object. Braun and Cesaro actually put on a decent match, Cesaro hits some beautiful uppercuts. Cesaro tries a Neutralizer but Braun doesn’t like that and throws him out of the ring. He tries again, but Braun reverses. Cesaro tries for a flying uppercut but catches a nasty punch from Braun. Cesaro almost gets a powerslam but Sheamus makes the save. Braun runs outside the ring and steamrolls Sheamus, then heads back to the ring. Cesaro tries to roll Braun up but gets over powered. Cesaro tries a flying body press but Strowman catches him and gives him a powerslam.
Winner: Braun Strowman
Ultimate Deletion Video Montage. If its anything like the Final Deletion, it will be insane. The whole Hardy Clan is there, minus Jeff…
Back from commercial and apparently theres a match…
Titus World Wide vs the Revival
Decent match between the two. Titus showed some great strength while Apollo shows his speed. TWW has grown on me for sure. The Revival shows excellent ingenuity, getting a hidden tag and the Shatter Machine on Apollo.
Winner: The Revival
Insert Random interviewer asks them about their path to Wrestlemania. They say there is no tag team on earth better than them to win the tag titles. They say they will win the Andre the Giant Battle Royal. Womp womp….
Mark Henry HOF video. This makes my heart happy. Great guy, Fantastic Athlete, More than deserving of this induction.
Bayley and Sasha Banks vs Absolution
Sasha comes out to a Bayley already in the ring. She tries to smooth over the fight they’ve been having over the last few weeks. Bayley talks it out with her but says she can’t get over what Sasha did to her at Elimination Chamber. Out comes Absolution. The match will finally start. Absolution get into control early and we get a commercial….Back from commercial and Bayley is in control. Sasha goes for a quick tag that Bayley doesn’t feel, then pulls Bayley off of Mandy Rose while she was tagging her. Tension!! Absolution capitalizes on the dissention and they take over. Absolution gets the win after Bayley and Sasha has more conflict.
Out comes JOHN CENNAAAAAA! He gives Coach a handshake (like usual) and heads to the ring for a pleasant talk about The Undertaker. He makes a Texas reference, then goes into talking about Taker. He tells Undertaker how important he is. Dallas seems to enjoy John Cena tonight, as do I. There is no response from the Undertaker. Cena is sad. Dallas is sad. John says that Taker not replying to his challenge is the biggest mistake he’s ever made. He says if he’s retired, say no and everyone will understand. Cena is cutting another passionate promo. John says the Undertaker is a coward. The crowd chants DO SOMETHING (or Rusev day?) and nothing happens. Kane enters. The Big Red Libertarian comes out. Cena gets excited but Kane just stands there. He chokeslams Cena. Still no answer. Is Kane facing Cena at Mania? Was that a sign?
The Miztourage make their way to the ring. Miz cuts a terrific promo on his Wrestlemania opponents. The Miz needs a microphone every single week. That dude has it. Oh, before the match starts, Seth Rollins is at the announce desk.
Miztourage vs Balor Club
After a commercial break Gallows is in the ring. Balor gets the tag and he works on Axel. Dallas (in Dallas?!) makes his way in and get over on Balor. Miz is tagged in and he works Balor over. This match has lots of little spots between the Miztourage. The Good Brothers are in the corner wanting to get in and run wild (BRRRROTHER!). Finn finally makes the tag to Machine Gun Anderson and he starts giving it to Axel and the rest of the Miztourage. Slight botch with a DDT from the Miz but it happens and im no professional wrestler…Commercial time! Back and its still pretty much the same. Finn comes in and hits the usual Finn spots. Finn gets a roll up win on The Miz. Miz and friends attack Finn after the match. Balor Club catches a beatdown after the match. Seth runs down, laying out the Miztourage, hitting Miz with a curb stomp. He and Finn face off in the ring. No fighting though.
Winner: The Balor Club
Ronda Rousey video package.
We finish off Raw with Broken Matt Hardy's Ultimate Deletion...
My recommendation is to just watch this on YouTube or Hulu. My descriptions wont do it justice. While I feel like this didn't have the same impact as Final Deletion, this was entertaining and ridiculous all in the same breath. A chaotic sonata that is best observed with an open mind and a willingness to try and see what Matt Hardy sees. This is his vision and honestly, no opinion that anyone can give will change that vision.
With that, we end the Raw Report. This week we furthered some storylines, still had no Undertaker, and got a little violent with Brock Lesnar. As always, follow me on whatever social media you can find me on (buuurch1 on the Twitter machine), read more fantastic wrestling material on WrestlingwithWrestling.com, and as always, take care!